"Normal"

By Molly Bice-Jackson - 7:50 AM

This past week was much better for me. There were days I felt "normal" and even... happy. And although it is confusing as to how I can feel this way, I am trying not to question why and to just give in to the positive feelings. Let the happy memories propel me forward instead of hold me back.

We have been trying hard to stay busy. We have participated in several fun and active events in the hopes of lifting our spirits. And its worked. For the 4th of July, we headed to a cabin in Bear Lake with the Flint family and had a blast. I experienced my first major mountain biking accident with beautiful cuts and bruises to prove it. We swam in the cold lake, rode motorbikes and four wheelers, played games, ate junk food, went canoeing, watched movies, danced in the kitchen, fought off allergy attacks, and basked in the beauty of friendship. Even though the darling dress from Jen Hunt that was waiting to be worn for the holiday, stayed hanging in the closet, I felt like I still celebrated with Lucy. I had painful moments, but moments of laughter and joy over the holiday weekend as well. My friend, Lindsay Robbins, emailed these photos from last year's Fourth of July parade in Park City. They make me smile and cry at the same time. We are beyond blessed to have our friends.







Another crazy adventure we embarked on was riding the bobsled run at the Olympic Park here in Park City. Vic has been wanting to do this for years. I, however, have wanted to stay as far away from a 70mph exposed death trap on wheels as possible. Somehow he convinced me. I had been grieving most of the day, listening to somber music and aching for Lucy as we drove up the hill to the bobsled track. Not the ideal mind set to be in for such an event. I was scared. But frankly, didn't really care if I died. It was an interesting juxtaposition of emotions. Sitting in that sled and having your insides literally shake and tremble with the rumble and speed of the track, was a physical manifestation of the inner turmoil I was feeling. It was a perfect outward symbol of my inner reality. I almost laughed as I held on for dear life and felt my body compress into the seat. It was not an enjoyable 60 seconds of my life. Vic...well...he loved it.



I've learned that I can hit a mean and straight golf ball, much to Vic's chagrin (he hates it that I'm better than him). I've been running the trails in Park City lately, which is therapuetic and cleansing in every way possible. We've been attending barbeques, having lunch with friends, going to movies, hiking, serving in the Spanish Branch, reading good books, and enjoying the beautiful Park City weather. All of these things are helping us feel "normal" again. The only problem is, we don't want to feel normal. Life with Lucy was anything but normal. It was exciting and busy and tiring and wonderful. A new adventure everyday. Cleaning my house, going back to work, teaching voice lessons, they allow us to feel normal. But Lucy made us feel more than normal. She made us feel alive. I think I'm starting to understand better what the scriptures mean when they say "being alive in Christ". I want to be alive in Christ...and in Lucy. With their presence we can not only feel "normal" again, but like we're truly living. Alive. Loving. Serving. Joyous. Whole.




Isn't she beautiful?

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31 Loving Lines

  1. I'm glad you're starting to feel normal and are trying some new things. Sure do love you guys. I miss Lucy a lot. I love her. I'm not embarrassed to have her know it now either.

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  2. Molly,

    I had to laugh a little reading this about you on the bobsled thing. I think I could be up for a ride. Losing Camille has definitely taken the fear of death out of me. I have to remind myself that there will be joy again here. One look at my other children reminds me of that.
    The other day it stormed here at our house. I really mean at our house. We live at the base of a mountain and as we drove up the road we could see the storm on the mountain even though all around us was blue skies and sunshine. As soon as we got near our neighborhood we entered the storm. It just dumped and howled and beat the rain against our house. Water was coming in the door and windows because of the force of the wind and the amount of the rain. It was cathartic for me. Finally the heavens were acting just like I felt. After about 20 minutes the stormed passed and life rolled back into "normal." It felt like my heart orchestrated the weather.

    Much love to you and Vic,
    Stephanie

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  3. Molly,
    I have only met you once at the "Jewelry Botique" (as Lindsay would call it) you threw at Lindsay Robbin's house last February. I met Vic and Lucy that same night and have thought of you all often. My little girl Ruby was just a couple months younger than she was and I always pictured Ruby looking like Lucy as her hair got longer..and she kind of does. I have followed your blog since Lindsay told me what happened the day after Lucy choked. I have cried and prayed so hard for you and Vic, as I can't imagine going through something so paralyzing. I hope you can have more "normal" days to come, your angel will always be with you. - Kellie Hatcher

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  4. Molly,
    You mentioned going to Bear Lake with the Flint family. Are you talking about the Robert Flint family...Bob and Michelle? I used to work for them. They are a wonderful family. If you know them too, it is truly a small world.
    I am happy to hear you are having a easier time this week. I knew the down time was coming for you and just hurt for you when I read your last post.

    Love you and your family.

    Suzanne

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  5. Molly,

    It may never be normal again...but you will adjust to your "new" normal. And somehow, from what I read here and gather about the person you are, you will thrive as you find your way.

    Best wishes.

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  6. People constantly ask me about you two... how you are doing. Vic said once in similar context "I don't know how to answer that". That is basically what I have been saying. I am so happy for those happy, peaceful, hopeful moments you have but also very aware of those "other" moments. Like I said before, we think of the three of you every day.

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  7. I'm so sorry that you're still having to adjust to "normal" life without Lucy......I have no idea how the two of you are feeling, but I appreciate the sweet words you share in your posts. Lucy is so lucky to have you as a Mom.

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  8. Molly, it was so great to see you last week after lunch. I left smiling because I was so grateful I had such great friends from Park City. I am glad you are feeling a little better, although I know it still is really hard for you. Please let me know if you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here!

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  9. This is a strange thought but I always feel most alive when I am dealing with trials. I figure its what makes me mortal. Your sentiments are so true and I'm sorry things feel normal (not an attribute we Robinson's strive for :)) We think about you everyday. At a baptism on Saturday, a little girl dressed in white sang "Whenever I hear the song of a bird" I sobbed uncontrollably. I hope I didn't scare anyone, especially the little girl. She really did sing wonderfully.

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  10. Dear Molly,

    I was very glad to see that you have started teaching again. As a music teacher myself, I can attest to the fact that tutoring youngsters in the beautiful strains of song lifts my sadness and depression. Some days I just can't bring myself to leaving the house let alone going to teach, and the parents always understand if I need time alone to just cry or whatever I need to do. Some days I don't want to teach, but I go anyway because I know that moments after my first student walks into the room, the clouds of depression and anxiety lift. I guess what I am trying to say is lose yourself for a while in the joy these young students, and if for some reason you aren't up to doing it some day, I'm certain that the parents will understand and give you the time you need to be alone.

    Much Love Always,
    Lana

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  11. Hey Miss Molly.....beautifully put. It made my day to spend a little time with you and Vic on Sunday. I'll touch base with you soon about getting together for some of thos runs!

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  12. Dear Molly,
    I, like many others, stumbled across your blog from another friend's blog. You do not know who I am, however, I feel as though I know you through your amazing words. I have been so touched by your words and your thoughts. I am deeply sorry for your loss. There are many days that I just have to sit and watch my little girl nap. I think that is my biggest fear, losing my daughters or husband. I wanted to thank you for being so brave ans selfless to share your deepest feelings with us. It is because of your story that I look at life much differently. I now take every moment in and thank Heavenly Father for all of them. I take none of them for granted anymore. Thank you so much. You are in our prayers as well. Ü

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  13. Molly and Vic,

    I think of you often, and have a prayer in my heart for you as you move through the process of creating a new normal.
    Love,
    Alissa

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  14. Molly,

    When I saw you the day that you rode the bobsled I was amazed at how great you looked. Your hair and makeup were perfect and you looked so cute that I couldn't tell that you were having a hard day. You looked better than I look most days! I love the photos you posted of Lucy. We are keeping you and Vic in our prayers and would love to have you over soon for dinner or even just a visit if you feel like you need to get out of the house.

    Love,
    Jill

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  15. you have such an amazing blog and it is very amazing abouut all of the good poems. u are so great! you are very strong to

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  16. Oh, Molly! Yes, she is absolutely gorgeous. That last photo of her is breathtaking. I loved reading this post, you have such a gift with words. You are able to relay your thoughts and feelings so beautifully through writing. As many people have said before me, thanks for sharing your daily struggles and joys with us on here. I think about you everyday and wonder what your new "normal" must be like. I imagine your struggle at defining a new normal without Lucy physically in it. I can sense that your head and your heart are in the right place and that you are going to make it. Your spirit is just beautiful. Don't ever stop writing, I will be checking in on you forever! :)

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  17. Molly, I think about your sweet family everyday and often check in on your blog. You have touched my life in so many ways and I thank you for that. I am so happy to hear that you have had some "normal" and fun days recently.

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  18. Molly, you are an amazing writer and seem to be able to express and capture your feelings/emotions in such an incredible way through your words. It lifts my spirit to hear that you and Vic have been able to keep busy and even enjoy some fun activities! Your closing remarks about how Lucy made you feel "alive" and being "alive in Chirst" will stay with be, especially at times when I am feeling quite dead and exhausted at the end of the day. We love you!

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  19. I have been uplifted today by your post. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  20. Yes. She is beautiful.
    So glad you are doing so many things to keep busy.
    I would love to do lunch sometime. Hang in there!
    Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

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  21. I check your blog as often as I can and everytime hoping that you guys can feel more moments of joy. You always hear that the more intense the pain the more intense the joy. I hope thats the case. Maybe extreme speed on the Bobsled will count for know. The other thing I look forward to seeing on your blog are more pictures of Lucy. I loved these ones! I miss you guys. Vic I need some brother time!
    Love Paul

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  22. Oh Molly, she is beautiful. Such a princess. I love your blog...as others have said, you have a gift to articulate your feelings in a way that helps people not only understand your grief, sorrow, peace, and joy...but helps people feel such a sweet spirit. Thank you.

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  23. I feel so much when i visit your blog. thank you so much for sharing your experience so eloquently. Your words are a gift.
    I went to the Jenny phillips workshop (your dad told me that you went last year). It was interesting. I recorded but wasn't selected asa top 10. the top ten must have been amazing- not because i didn't make it on the list but because I heard the demos of a few girls who didn't make it either and they rocked! oh well. I did learn from the workshop that if i want to be a full blown label artist i need to be willing to put in a lot of time ...and live in Utah- neither of which i am sure can happen. It was kinda hilarious to be with hundreds(2) of girls just like me. we all were there hoping for a once in a life time opportunity. anyways... how is park city? I would love to live there. if you have any dental contacts-send them my way (derid is in ortho school) I would love to chat with you about music and your aspirations and goals. we have a similar background and love for music and dance- we should definitely stay in touch for that reason alone. by-the-way thanks for popping in on my blog- it is so fun to have surprising visitors

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  24. Thanks Molly for letting us know what is on your mind. I love these pictures too. Can't get enough now. I love to hear from your friends on your blog. There are alot of people out there who care and know you and Vic.
    Lots of good times to come I'm sure. Love Mom-Marlene

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  25. Thanks Molly for letting us know what is on your mind. I love these pictures too. Can't get enough now. I love to hear from your friends on your blog. There are alot of people out there who care and know you and Vic.
    Lots of good times to come I'm sure. Love Mom-Marlene

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  26. Wow, you are a busy woman! Thanks for being a good example. We look forward to seeing you both next month.

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  27. Beautiful pictures! You are such a beautiful and honest writer. Thanks for sharing you life with me.

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  28. And you call ME amazing? I don't think so. You are definitely way beyond that. I love the way you write. I love all the pictures of Lucy I haven't seen. I loved seeing you the other day and how you didn't avoid talking about your sweet daughter. I love to hear about her. We basically missed out on the last year of her life and so every little memory is so neat to hear.

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  29. I LOVE the picture of Lucy on Vic's shoulders. It is one of the few pictures that captures just how tiny Lucy was! That tiny face with the tiny little features. I think that is one of the amazing things about her--such a tiny little thing packed with so much energy and maturity for her age. Every time I was with her I would just keep thinking "How can she be such a tiny thing and be such a big person!" Love her and miss her so, so much. Jack loves to point to her picture and say "Wucy."

    Many happy times and memories to come, too, but we'll never forget Luce.

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  30. I remember having the feeling of not wanting things to be "normal". I was so scared that everyone would forget my sister and that wonderful feeling of comfort and peace would disappear.
    I can't begin to imagine that experience from the persective of a mother.
    Keeping busy is the best medicine for the aching. Hope you have many more experiences to enjoy. You deserve it!!

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  31. Molly,
    I got your name and blog address from a friend (Ann Cook) who -I understand- has a sister that was a roommate of yours at college. Right? Anyway, I have been reading and hoping you're doing well. We, too, lost a child. Early February of this year our son passed away in the night. I would love to offer some support in whatever way you need it. Something I have found that helps me is a free program a friend is developing. It can be found at www.storybooks4healing.com. I am in the middle of the workbook, but feel I would have benefitted much more had I started soon after Morgen's passing.
    There's much more I'd like to offer, but feel it's too lengthy for a "comment". Please write if you'd like to stay in contact.

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