fear

By Vic - 5:21 PM

About 3 or 4 months ago I began to think about a blog post I wanted to make. For weeks I would write it in my mind as I drove to and from work. It made me cry; I had finally put a face to some of the feelings I had. In April I sat down and wrote it. I sent it to Molly to post, but decided that it should wait for another time.

Here it is now:

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Fear

What is your greatest fear?..... What are you afraid of?.....

Do you remember those questions and conversations?

My nephew Grant once claimed that he was not afraid of anything. His older brother Jack quickly reminded him - "yes you are; you're afraid of storms".

Grant, humbly and wisely responded "oh, yea, I'm afraid of storms... and loud noises".

That is the type of man I want to be, carefree enough to forget my fears and wise and humble enough to recognize them when reminded.

I remember being afraid of different things. When I was 12 there was a German Shepherd and some Dobermans that would chase me on my paper route. They scared me. After that, girls, dances, failing at this or that, never getting married, getting married, blah, blah, blah. It is a decent list. Longer than some. Shorter than others.

Recently, I realized that I never really knew what fear is. It is only now in the last few years that I have known real fear. I think that is because I never really had anything to lose. I always knew that my family would stick with me, even if I was a jerk on regular basis. And I knew about eternal families. Combine that with the sense of invincibility that comes with youth and what was there to fear really?

Now that I am married? I realize that I could potentially be a big enough jerk that Molly would say "I've had enough of this". Then there is work: the fear of not being able to provide for my family. We've had some rough times with my employment. It hurts.

And finally Lucy. The other day Lucy was playing on the kitchen counter. She likes to play with the cupboard doors when we're doing dishes etc. I walked away "thinking she is fine, she knows how to handle herself".

Then I turned and I saw her fall in slow motion. Little by little she slid off the counter. I was moving but I couldn't move fast enough and so I watched her as I ran for her. I heard her head hit the hardwood floor, right as I got there. I scooped her up, just a moment too late. She cried and cried and cried.

I still know that families are eternal. There is no question about that. But I no longer have that sense of invincibility. To the contrary it has been made clear to me in many ways and many times just how weak I really am. And now I know that there is no guarantee that Lucy will be safe in mortality. I see the news, and have heard enough stories, the very real possibility [although unlikely] that something could happen is a level of fear that I have NEVER known before. I want to be there to see her grow up. I want her to be a part of my life as I grow old. I want to be a part of her growth. I know she is a part of mine.

Now that that I am an adult, now that I am married I KNOW fear. And I know it intimately.

I understand better than ever just how much I have and consequently just how much I could lose. The stories of Abraham, Job and others, which at one time seemed a little boring to me, I now recognize as gut wrenching beyond belief.

A friend of mine used to say: "Fear knocks at the door, Faith Answers, nothing is there". So that is my challenge. "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." I just have to remember to bring my faith to the door when fear knocks.
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If I recall correctly, once I wrote this, the fear subsided. I now think that the mental process which led to the above paragraphs was part of my preparation for recent events. I am now experiencing what I feared most.

This will sound odd, maybe even wrong, but I feel like my fear was unfounded...maybe because I didn't understand what was at the root of my fears. Maybe because we really are as invincible as we sometimes feel in our youth...just not in the ways that we think.... maybe its that fear in reality is a feeling that we won't be able to handle something? I'm not sure that I have correctly described or expressed this.

However one thing is certain: I can tell you that my trust was well placed. He did not leave me alone, but has sustained me in countless ways. The loss that I feel will be more than overcome by the joy I will feel in a coming day. At the least, with Him we are invincible.

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27 Loving Lines

  1. wow.. that was indeed breathtaking to read Vic. You're a great writer. Very interesting thoughts too. I never really thought about my fears before. I live the image of faith answering the door, and nothing being there.....

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  2. Vic, that was beautiful. I just told Ryan about your post and we both teared up. You are such a neat guy. I knew that when we were in your ward, but I know it even more now and seeing the amazing way you have held yourself and your wife during this time. Lucy is a lucky girl to have you as her dad for eternity. I totally understand your fears now that I am a mother. It changes everything, and makes you into a different person. Thank you for sharing that post.

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  3. What a beautiful testimony of faith. Thank you for sharing that and thank you for your example. I have been so inspired by your family.
    Molly, I thought it was you under "katie" but was not sure who Katie was. I was so touched by your comment. I agree with you how special the blog world is. How we can lift eachother up through comments.
    I also have to tell you how touched I was by your sister's letter to Lucy. What a beautiful story and what a tribute to sweet little Lucy.
    You continue to be in my daily thoughts and prayers.

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  4. Vic, I loved your post. It was wonderful to read,and,I hope it was healthy for you to write. Grant is still afraid of loud noises. Because of that he hate balloons for fear they might pop. The end of the funeral was hard for him. To many potential noises around him. He didn't take a balloon and instead covered his ears, until... a balloon popped and his fear was realized and then over. Funny thing, Fear. Jenny

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  5. You do not know me, we are perfect strangers, but my heart aches and weeps for you and your family. I ache, literally ache for your loss. I have spent quite some time on your blog getting to know Lucie. She seems delightful and wonderful, beautiful, just simply perfect. Her blonde curls and bright eyes. Lindsey Robins gave me your information. I hope that is okay. My oldest son James passed away 2 years ago in April. He was 22 months old at his passing. His birthday too is in June. Though our loss is different, it's very much the same. Tragic. Your loss happened 4 years into your marriage, same with us. Unsuspecting. I hope in some small way we can connect and you can feel that there is someone in the universe that can relate to you. I don't have any magnificant advice for you. I pray that I can give you hope, a small ounce of hope. Somehow you continue to breath, somehow you wake up daily, somehow time passes. It has been two years for us. It's been a long two years. I am glad I have the time under my belt. Give yourself time, Don't rush through any emotion, find someone you can trust to cry to anytime, anywhere over anything. I think what happens is you become stronger. You have to redefine your new life. Life will never be as you knew it, there is a new kind of normal. Oh how my heart aches. I have been praying for you since I heard. I will be in touch. Much love and my deepest sympathy.

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  6. I am a friend of a friend and don't even know you or your family, but I've been reading the blog with my 8 year old daughter since we heard about Lucy. We've been very touched. All I can say to this post is: Wow. Well written. So insightful, and vulnerable. We have other struggles. . . different struggles, but I've had many of these same thoughts. What you and Molly are dealing with is unimaginable, but you've inspired us. Thank you.

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  7. This was very beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us Vic. Your strength amazes me.

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  8. What an honest & inspiring post. Thank you, Vic, for being so willing to share such tender and personal feelings. Thank you for your testimony of faith & love.

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  9. Vic, thanks for putting your feelings and thoughts out there like this. I know this has been a hard time, but I hope you know how much you have helped other people's (mine, especially) testimonies of God's plan and His love to grow. Seven months of parenthood has showed me that I now have the same kinds of fears you did. Hopefully, I can show the same faith you have in my day of adversity--whenever that may come. We love you guys! Thank you for being our friends.

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  10. There's so much we can learn from you two, that's for sure. What an amazing perspective--so much wisdom and faith. Thank you for this post.

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  11. Vic, I think you said it really well in the last sentence, "with Him we are invincible." I believe that. God completes us in this life and the next. To answer your question, I think my greatest fear is that I'll forget. That I'll forget what's important, forget why I'm here or what I need to do. I'm afraid I'll forget what matters most. Thank you for opening up about your fears and how you've had to face them. With God and with faith, I know I need to decide how to face my fears, to either prevent them, live with them, or conquer them.

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  12. Hey Molly, just thought I would check in. I just read Amys tribute and Vics amazing thoughts on fear, wow, I cried all the way through both of them. What an amazing perspective you have reminded me of. Thank you. Although it has been a long time since we have been in touch, thank you for sharing these times. I love you and your family and will always keep you in my prayers.
    Melissa Mack Nothum

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  13. thank you for teaching me. you're both still in my thoughts and prayers.

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  14. Molly and Vic, I cannot stop crying. Jason forwarded me your email Vic, we've both been extremely emotional since. You haven't left our minds nor prayers. I'm sorry we didn't know sooner. I can't imagine the feelings you are having. Please know how many are pleading with Father in Heaven on your behalf. I know the Savior knows the depth of what you are going through. I know that time is bound to this earth life only, and in eternity there will be never be another separation of loved ones. Thank you for your inspiring words on this post Vic. You two have no idea how many people you are strenthening and lifting right now. We love you and will continue to pray for you.
    Meradith and Jason

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  15. Vic. It is amazing how the Lord prepares us IN our lives, FOR our lives....and gives us revelation for our own circumstance. I loved the faith/fear door and will try to remember it in those moments when I have fear. Thankyou for that. I also loved the post by krainich family...because sometimes we need to see our experience in the sea of experience that is out there. You will find good support because in so many ways YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This post gave me rest. Thankyou. I love you Victor.

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  16. I've got to stop reading your blog at work. I get teary nearly every single time. Vic, thanks so much for your words of wisdom and strength. I think this is a testimony to the fact that the Lord is so aware of us and our individualized needs. This is amazing insight that has truly touched me. Thank you for sharing. I love you both!

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  17. thanks so much for sharing... when you and Molly share your journey, it strengthens mine.
    God Bless,

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  18. Vic...
    My heart is broken for you guys. There are no words.
    I needed to read that. Fear has reigned over me recently. When I wake up at night frightened, I just repeat in my mind the scripture, "Perfect love castest out all fear." And then my mind turns to the miracle of "perfect love" - what is that exactly? etc. etc. etc. and I start to feel better. You guys are amazing. We love you and pray for you. In reading through the part of your grief that you can verbalize, I find comfort. You guys healing others in your darkest hours is a miracle and way beyond poetic it's ......maybe that is perfect love.

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  19. Vic (and Molly),

    I've never felt or witnessed such inspiration and strength. In ways that are deeply personal for me, you both and Lucy have been a blessing to me and I am a changed person. What you have already done for others will impact many lives to come....and there is no more beautiful tribute to lovely little Lucy. Thank you Jackson family.... Karin Lockovitch

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  20. Love you both so much. Miss Lucy. Can't not cry when I think of the emptyness but I feel your spirit and am gaining peace and the emptyness is being filled by new thoughts and kindness of others. Thanks-- your are my heros. Love Mom

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  21. Vic, I am touched by your words and your honesty. Not all of us have to face our fears and you have shown amazing strength and faith. You are a great example to me. You and Molly are still in my prayers and thoughts.

    Jamie M

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  22. Don't know how to describe how I feel right now, with your post. I feel like your words are mine and I couldn't say them any better. Thank you for sharing that post. You both continue to humble and strengthen me. Thank you for being open and sharing the heart ache that you feel.

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  23. Vic, thank you. Molly told me about this post on Friday and I sat down today to read. It is an imtimately wound web of "coincidences" it seems that led you to this place. Someone defined a coincidence as God's anonymous miracle.

    We are fasting for you guys again. I continue to think hourly about Lucy and you both...her life and this experience has exponentialy strengthened my testimony in many ways. It has also made me face one of my deepest fears...the lose of Jack. You both are the pillars of strength we will look to for any of the sacrifices we are required to make in this life. Thank you. Love Mike and Mindy

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  24. Oh Miss Molly, I continue to think about you and cry for you and Vic every day. I know there is very little I can do- even without the miles between us. Just know how much I love you and admire the strength and faith you have shown over the past several weeks. I will always adore you. I look foward to our paths crossing again soon.

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  25. Molly, I have made a post in memory of Sweet Lucy on my blog. I hope that's okay. I wanted to share her with the world. I have posted the fund also if that's okay, any extra dollar helps. My prayers are with you always at this time.
    Michelle-Lindsey's friend

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  26. One thing that impressed me the week of the funeral, and I think I mentioned this to you or Molly, is how well prepared It seemed you were. Prepared by spending every second with lucy and not just keeping her out of trouble but enjoying quality time with her. So many great memories shared with her and you all seemed to really live life to the fullest. That brings up one of my fears, that I might be misusing my god given precious time with my loved ones! I have really thought a lot about how I spend my time with Kristyn and Thacker and not just how much but what I do with that time. Some people could live a live time and not spend that special time with loved ones as you did in two years!You two are amazing people! First thing that popped into my mind when I heard that Lucy had an accident was "Man haven't these people been through enough"? You have had some serious trials in your life. I won't be specific but very few people have gone through a combination of the things that you have. Could this be by chance perhaps? No sir, there must be some huge opportunities and responsibilities forthcoming!

    As tomorrow is June 11 I think we should declare it LUCY DAY! Happy Lucy day you guys!
    Paul

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  27. Vic & Molly,
    I too am a stranger to you - a friend of a friend (of a friend) in Ohio. I can relate to this fear post, being married with 3 children of my own. There is the constant fear of "what if"...
    I pray for your family, that you have peace. I pray that if I am ever in a similar situation, that I have the grace and love for the Lord that you do.
    All my best to you,
    Christa

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